Aftercare in the Kink & Fetish World

PorcelainWitch23 By PorcelainWitch23 863 views

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Aftercare in the Kink & Fetish World

Written as a collaborative discussion between SexyCece and PorcelainWitch23

We decided to write this blog together as a discussion topic. We often see so many times that when people engage in kink and fetish online, they rarely address certain topics and one of the main ones is aftercare. While online play may seem less intense on the surface, it is an incredibly vulnerable space. We wanted to address the topic together and give our insight from our personal experiences engaging in play online.

When is aftercare necessary?

Aftercare is needed when we engage in play that would be emotionally and/ or physically challenging, and mentally taxing. Forms of these would include but are not limited to: Humiliation and degradation (in any form), rough play (like self spanking, physically taxing tasks), intense role play (CNC, verbal abuse, blackmail). While we are engaged in the act of play, we experience high levels of serotonin, adrenaline, cortisol, or oxytocin and this is pleasurable in the moment. There can be a lot of emotions and physical reactions after play, and this is considered “drop”. This is when you and your sub should reconnect on a purely human level. Check in with one another. Communication is vital. We should always be aware that in reality, outside of play, we are all human and still have basic needs of comfort and care.

The level of experience you have in these styles of play is irrelevant. Aftercare is a way to bring you back to your baseline. Even if you have 10 years’ experience in humiliation, aftercare is an opportunity to touch base with reality again and get your bearings about you. Dominants and submissives should be getting aftercare. The level of intensity and type of play you are engaging in will determine what your needs for aftercare will look like. You may want praise and affirmation that you are a valued and worthy person. You may need some physical touch. You might need to eat and drink water or tend to your bruises from a hard or extended spanking session. Everyone’s needs will be different.

Creating a safe space

Discussing boundaries before play gives us a safe space to engage in play. But it doesn’t guarantee that there isn’t some sort of “drop” or fall out after the play has ended. We can agree to intense play and still feel negative about it later. We can feel things like shame, guilt, bruised egos and so much more even though we consented to the play in the first place. Some people may seek the intense styles of play because they have an easier time accessing their emotions this way and enjoy the aftercare as much as they do the initial rough play.

Having a safe space to play rough and explore our limits and deep emotions is vital for some of us. We may have never been able to push our own boundaries out in the real world. This is a form of self-exploration for some of us, seeing how much we can take and how we react to it. Do we enjoy this or that? Does this trigger me? Can I learn something from this?

BDSM style of playing and kinking is so much more than whips, chains, and control. When we get into degrading and humiliation kinks, it is mainly about the sub releasing control to the dominant. Relinquishing control and allowing the dominant to take over and put the submissive “in their place” is a form of emotional and mental release. Allowing the sub to take direction and surrender to the dominant. This is eroticizing the shame and insecurities that the sub may have in the real world and allowing them a safe space to explore and feel those feelings. In a lot of cases, this type of play may end in a physical relief for them. They may find it relaxing to be in a sub position as they have let go of the need to control and direct. The submissive is allowing themselves to be vulnerable with the dominant.

The Dominant’s responsibility

The dominant should never take that for granted. The dominant should know the level of trust they have attained with a submissive. After all, the dominant is leading the submissive into the very vulnerable position to begin with. The ability to bring someone to their lowest point and take control of their emotional and mental state is a big responsibility and should be treated as such. After we’ve had our fun humiliating and degrading our submissive, it's important to bring them back to a base line where they feel comfortable controlling their own life again. The effects of degradation and humiliation should be temporary. It’s the dominant’s responsibility to check in and lift their sub from the deep emotional and mental space that this type of play provides. The communication between the dominant and submissive should be clear. What kind of aftercare your submissive is expecting is solely based on their personal needs.

Aftercare for dominants after playing could look very different than subs need. Some people need very little. Just a simple check in on how they are feeling may be all they need. Sometimes they need to socialize and clear their head to come back to the base line. They may want physical touch. Cuddles with their real-life partner. Listening to music. Taking a walk. Aftercare is as creative and as open as the play can be. There is no end all, be all solution or fix that suits every situation. The main takeaway here is communication. Being that we all play online, this is truly the only way we will know what is expected.

Forms of aftercare:

  • Physical:

Some people may need a quiet space to reflect and gather themselves. This isn’t the same as someone rushing to find a distraction to not deal with the drop they may experience. This should look more like someone reflecting on their headspace and acknowledging their emotional and mental wellbeing. Some people may need to eat and get something to drink. A comforting snack or sugary drink can be helpful for some while just some water is all others will want or need. Going for a walk or dancing in the kitchen, staying in motion might help some people process better. A bubble bath or steamy shower. These are all ways some people may need to experience a physical form of aftercare.

  • Emotional and mental check in:

A discussion about the play and how they feel about the experience is a great way to help regulate the emotional needs someone might have. Some may need extra praise to help level out their feelings about the experience they just had. Reminding them that they are valued and worthy and there’s no shame in the way we choose to play. Sometimes a distraction is needed and a great way to do that is talk about something else entirely and letting those intense feelings they just had melt away. Maybe they might want to watch a movie and cuddle up with their favorite snuggle items. An emotional/ mental check in is a great way to get back to baseline.

In conclusion:

Everyone can engage and benefit from aftercare. Aftercare can be a routine you have or can be a fluid in the moment decision and both ways of checking in are acceptable. Everyone’s needs will be different. What’s important is that everyone’s needs will be addressed, and we are allowing everyone a safe space to experience being vulnerable. It’s vital to building trust. The feelings of confusion, shame, depression, and countless other things we may experience after a session of play are all normal and we can all benefit from having open and honest discussions around the topic. Not all kinks and fetishes are explicitly sexual in nature and need to end in orgasm. However sexual experiences and intimacy have a lot to do with our psychological wellbeing. For many of us that engage in kink/ fetish play, we have emotional ties to it. It’s often a way for us to process trauma or explore deep and intense feelings in a safe and controlled environment. For others it's simply a way to get off in creative ways. The vast umbrella that makes up BDSM, kink and fetish is colorful and full of amazing ways to explore sexuality and all that it offers. Aftercare just ensures that we feel good after the play ends.

By PorcelainWitch23

Hello! I'm Porcelain. Buyers, Give me a follow and I'll send you a message. Don't see what you are after, just shoot me a message and we can see what...

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