Hello my ATW community. I write this blog to show my gratitude to this community and hopefully help others who may struggle with the same thoughts I had. I’m aware that this may not be applicable to everyone, but I hope it can inspire those who may need it <3.
I have been a seller on ATW for six months now, and when I reflect on my time here, I see the self-empowerment I have gained. On the flip side, I was forced to face my insecurities and shadows that affected my mind frame.
Initially, when coming to ATW I wanted to explore parts about myself and challenge thoughts I had about my body. Starting on this platform, I was very aware of my opinions regarding my body and beliefs about myself. However, I also knew I was a naturally dominant/assertive person, and I always wanted to explore that side of me.
When I got my first buyer, I felt awkward, and out of my comfort zone, but there was also the rush of dopamine from the affirmations that followed the interaction. I was caught off guard by the affirmation; I remember my heart racing, mind spinning, sweating, and pacing my living room.
It was the first time I was challenged with the thoughts I had about myself. I remember thinking, are they lying, how could they think that, why would they want to order from me, look at these other sellers that are beautiful.
As I had these thoughts on ATW, I started to become more cognizant of the approval I would seek within my personal life or the constant self-doubt I would have. For myself, the lack of self-validation looked like uncertainty within me, crippling fear of what people would think.
Sometimes it looked like worrying about setting boundaries in the fear I may turn people off or make them upset. It felt like not feeling worthy unless there was external validation, or labouring intensively to guarantee I was worthy. It looked like getting a co-signer or checking with the crowd before doing something.
It’s wild, even typing this out now, I feel overwhelming compassion for the mental torment I continuously subjected myself to, and for what? Looking back, I can tell you self hate does not work, it does not make you happier, more at ease with your body, or bring feelings of self-love.
As time passed on ATW, and I continued to have conversations with buyers and sellers, I was faced with hard self-realization. There was nothing wrong with my body or who I am as a person, it was my ongoing self-doubt and thoughts that were limiting my ability to own who I was.
My life experiences have reinforced and taught me to believe in self-hate. But there came a time when I needed to decide that my life was so meaningful to me, and I love myself so much that I am willing to work for what I deserve.
The work started with me owning every part of myself, and yes even the part I didn’t like. Once getting out of my head I started to explore and own the compassionate dominant side of myself on ATW. My dominance has allowed me to gain control and empowerment over my thoughts. Instead of setting unrealistic expectations for myself, I now get to enjoy my relationships with people, set boundaries and continue to further explore myself sexually.
The feeling I get from owning my dominance has given me pure SELF-VALIDATION where I can recognize and celebrate my wild child. Dominance has made me practise gratitude for my body, the strength/power I have, and my ability to produce life. These practices and thoughts have carried over into my everyday life and have inspired me to take control over the things that no longer serve me.
To wrap this blog up I want to encourage those who may be struggling with self-destructing thoughts to own who you are and to trust yourself. Once you are empowered it feels like unshakable certainty and feeling secure in your relationships. It feels like unwavering trust within yourself, where you can drop your shoulders down, and unclench your jaw. It looks like being a trailblazer.
Easier said than done, I know, and to say I still do not have days of doubt would be a lie. It will be an ongoing practice of gratitude and forcing yourself to challenge untrue thoughts. However, by making a conscious effort it will impact the world around you and create a feedback loop that’s supporting and expanding your sense of value and self-worth. Most of all, enjoy your time here and take the opportunities to explore, expand, and be free. ATW is an amazing safe community with so many beautiful humans.
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