Red Flags in Dom/sub Dynamics

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There has to have been that one point in life where you’ve thought, I’m so nervous but so freaking excited for this!

All the things that run through your mind. Will I like it as much as I thought? What if I don’t? What if I like it more? What if no one else likes it? Who can I talk to? What do I do?

But I still want to try it, just have no idea where to start. The excitement and emotional aspect of it all can really build creating a red mist/tunnel vision of “I must achieve this” Where do you draw the line…..?

I remember when I first thought about experimenting. It was a daunting yet really exciting feeling, so much so that I often found myself turned on by just the thought of it. And I built up this picture in my head of my fantasy the first time (that all went exactly to plan obviously). But that’s not how it all happened (a story for another time)

But I learned a lot along my journey about what to look for and what to avoid. There are what we call red flags. Things that should set off the alarm bells in your head a make you question things as they are.

When entering a D/s dynamic there are a number of things I believe are a must.

Clear introductions and intentions
A getting to know period (i.e a week of communication, talking, testing)Written boundaries and limits
Safe words
A safe space and aftercare plan
A connection (be it kink related or romantically)

These are important for a stable dynamic as the play itself can be ever changing.

Before I played with any of my partners. Including the ones I still have, we had some in-depth discussions about what we wanted and what was expected. For one I even spent the day just looking at his toy collection! Feeling them understanding how they could be used the type of sensation or impact they had etc. (we didn’t play for another couple of weeks following that)

As my health and preferences have changed so has our dynamic. It is important for both people to understand that and be on board with it. If they are not….. RUN!

Clear introductions are key. You need to understand who they are, what they do, how long they’ve been doing it and how they would like you to fit into that. The same goes for you to them. If either is a bit grey or vague or particularly avoids such questions, caution is essential.

The Importance of Being Honest

Yes you’re in a getting to know stage but the whole point of the connection is it is related to your kinks so you will need to be quite openly honest. Even if it seems a little embarrassing at first.

If a person is not happy to discuss how they got into the lifestyle generally, how many years ago, what they do now, last dynamic length (that one doesn’t need to be in great detail. All dynamics are personal and somewhat confidential), I would be wondering why they can’t talk openly.

I don’t want to hear “we’ll discuss it as we go along” yes y oh lol open up more but there should be some foundation, to begin with.

I’ve had lots of new Dom’s approach me for play. A lot of them think this will just be a bit of rough bedroom fun. A one-night stand kinda process. Promise you the world, and a “good spanking” (which always makes me giggle.) Both online and at events. And it always throws them off when you ask what they identify as, top three interests relating to their kink (not including penetrative sex) evidence of their arsenal. Some even get standoffish and confrontational. This isn’t a booty call it’s a kink.

Some just disappeared at that point, some become particularly defensive or even rude and others stumble over their words and show you a picture of their pink fluffy Ann summers handcuffs, a blindfold from Wilkinson, the tie he had on last and the all important safety condom and lube. yes this happens. if they are saying they are an experienced Dom

If you make it to the stage where you decided to engage in some play. The rules should be set by both.

Key Things to Look Out For

🚩One person states it’s their rules or no play

🚩Refuses to allow a safe word

🚩Does not have the correct safety equipment in place for bondage. (Quick release knots, tough cut scissors, ability to identify trauma or unintentional damage for poor circulation, bad ties or dangerous tight equipment)

🚩Is objective in speech and communication prior to tittles and interactions being discussed and agreed

🚩Has no plan or intention of aftercare or following up in the coming days.

🚩Unable to determine discomfort with pleasure and discomfort that’s no longer fun

🚩Ignores safe words of your signs/signals to ease up

🚩Forcing hard limits once in scene

Red flags are different for everyone. I could spend all day discussing loads and even those in greater depth than I’ve already listed. There are just my personal opinions and are not exhaustive or a one size fits all.

At the end of it all, if you’re not sure or it’s making you feel uncomfortable then it’s worth highlighting or even giving a miss. You are in charge of you. Yes, as a sub you choose to give up that control in play but you still chose that and the caveats around it. Do not let anyone take that away from you!

My inbox is always open if you have any questions