The Power of Vulnerability: Overcoming Insecurity and Celebrating Sexuality

1111 views 12th Sep 2024

Seller Motivational The Power of Vulnerability: Overcoming Insecurity and Celebrating Sexuality

I’ll start with the basics. Hi! I’m Violet, your resident girl-next-door type with a slight God complex and a love of yapping...clearly. I don’t really feel like I have to write this, but it’s something I’ve somewhat felt compelled to write. This is a long read, and it isn’t intended to come off as pretentious in any way. Rather, this is half personal and half opinion, and I imagine there are quite a few sellers–and even buyers–who might feel the same way I do! I just hope I’m able to reach the right people and maybe help one or two feel like they’re seen.

Being introduced to this scene has opened my eyes in a way that my previous interactions with friends who are in poly relationships or frequent FetLife have not. Obviously, hearing from another’s experiences can be a fascinating thing, but diving into ATW and learning about everyone within has been an incredible thing for me.

I have spent so much of my life being the awkward kid, the ugly duckling, the one with the curly hair, crooked teeth, and glasses that you make fun of in the halls because she’s an easy target. My youth was certainly not an easy one, and I came from a family who didn’t know which products worked best with my hair type or how to put on make-up properly (thanks to having only brothers in my life). I didn’t learn how to do most of these things until my late teens and early twenties, and from there I have gone through what some might call my “glow up”. As a result of school bullies, I grew up thinking I was undesirable. Ultimately, that led to me living an extremely introverted lifestyle for a long time, sticking to my small group of friends, and feeling somewhat ashamed or uncomfortable when it came to my sexuality. I was shy and didn’t always go about dating and sex in the healthiest way, but those experiences led me here.

Understanding Shyness and Insecurity

The best way I can explain my own shyness is that it often feels like a heavy cloak wrapped around me, making even the simplest interactions feel monumental. There was a time I would make someone else order my food, or make my parents set my doctor’s appointments for me. I didn’t want to interact because I was terrified of what other people thought of me. It’s that gut-wrenching feeling when you want to speak up but can't quite find the words, and then they come out wrong. Insecurity mixes right in, whispering doubts that cloud your confidence. For me, I would hear the same things echoed by the voices of mean people from my youth floating around in my head, reminding me that if I felt like I was on the up and up, I wasn’t actually worth anything. It's like being trapped between a rock and a hard place, where I wanted so badly to shine, but the fear of what other people thought of me kept that light dimmed. Having been diagnosed with general anxiety, these are all things I feel ten-fold and have fought like hell to combat within my own head.

Many people find themselves battling these feelings. You might wonder, “Why can’t I just be like everyone else? Why do I feel so small? Why can’t I just feel comfortable in my own skin?” These questions aren’t uncommon, and they resonate deeply with people who already struggle with other mental issues. These questions, like the hateful echoes in my mind, stem from societal pressures and unrealistic expectations, which amplify the internal struggle of finding your voice and standing tall.

Feeling like I wasn’t attractive enough or pretty enough, especially in comparison to others, felt like a plague. I didn’t think I was good enough to have sex for love, so I fought to be a sort of “Pick Me” girl in my early teenage years. I was convinced that people wouldn’t want me for me, so I had to change and mold myself to be someone they wanted, especially when it came to sex and dating.

Yet, there’s a beautiful twist in this story. The journey towards embracing my sexuality and power as an independent woman turned that shyness into strength. It was a metamorphosis that required patience, but the end result has been truly freeing. It took a long time, over 15 years of going back and forth, and I feel like I can appreciate myself for my beauty–both external and internal–in a way my younger self would have been shocked by.

Understanding your own power, especially when it comes to those identifying as women in their femininity, is a crucial step. You must recognize the power that comes with being who you are. Sexuality is not just about attraction; it’s a celebration of who you are. It’s the ability to express yourself without feeling ashamed. When you learn to embrace this part of yourself, you begin to chip away at the insecurities that have held you back. I spent a long time trying to figure out what others wanted from me, rather than figuring out what I wanted from (and for) myself. Being able to experiment with different things that I enjoyed and spending my early and mid-twenties exploring my sexuality has helped me further solidify myself as a strong young woman. My body count may be high, but I have always found it much better to have these experiences and make certain mistakes, rather than going through life feeling ashamed and afraid of anything sexual. Curiosity is human nature, and curiosity in terms of sex is more so.

I knew from a very young age that I was bisexual. I didn’t always know what it was called, until I was about 13 and first heard the term. I didn’t have anyone pressuring me to feel any certain way, I didn’t feel like I was being “exposed” to things (like some may suggest), rather I felt what I felt aside from any external influences. When I first made a comment about being attracted to girls in class, I faced what most people do–one or two mean girls in class immediately raised their hands and said they wanted to be seated somewhere else. I laughed and made sure they knew they weren’t my type, which upset them. This was one of the first instances where I felt somewhat insecure in my sexuality, but over time I stayed true to myself. My experiences with women were much like my experiences with men, non-binary, and people transitioning. There are good experiences, and there are bad experiences. Wholesome relationships that end well and toxic relationships that end poorly. I have grown in a way that allows me not to let anyone make me feel ashamed for liking what I like–something I imagine a lot of people here relate to.

Finding Security Within Yourself

Finding security in your own skin is essential. It’s almost like wearing armor that shields you from the hurtful voices around you. Learning to love your body and accept yourself can feel overwhelming, and it’s certainly easier said than done, but it’s a journey worth taking. Sometimes you may not always be able to do that on your own, and that’s okay. It’s okay to ask for help–from a professional, from your peers, from strangers on the internet…it doesn’t matter where you get the validation you’re looking for, so long as you listen and fully believe that you are worth more than the mean shit people say to you, or that you might say to yourself.

I often find myself staring at the mirror critiquing myself. “Why do I have so much acne all of a sudden? Why won’t my curls cooperate like everyone else? Why doesn’t my make-up look as nice? Why do I feel so bad about gaining a few extra pounds as I’ve gotten older?” These are not questions I have asked myself as often as I used to when I was a teenager, but I do sometimes still go through periods where I feel badly about myself. I try to remember to talk to myself the way I would talk to a friend. Instead of focusing on things I don’t like about myself, I try to make the conscious decision to practice that self-love every single day. For every negative thought I have about myself, I try to remind myself of one positive thing. “Why do I have so much acne all of a sudden? I don’t know, but my face is clear 90% of the time and that’s something to be grateful for.” It seems kind of silly, but it’s helpful because I know these things are temporary and can be managed, if and when I want to manage them.

Sometimes the simplest thing to do really is just to start by acknowledging your strengths. Are you a great listener? Do you have a creative mind? What are some things about yourself that you appreciate? Shifting the focus from what you perceive as weaknesses to recognizing your unique qualities creates a foundation of confidence. Taking the time to practice this every day can build a routine where you find yourself having more positive thoughts about yourself.

The Power of Connection

Building connections with others can also have a massive effect of growing out of your shyness and embracing a new confidence and love for yourself. Surrounding myself with supportive friends, those who are both interested in and not interested in topics like sexuality, have helped diminish the feelings of insecurity in a massive way. Having that space to speak freely without judgment has been something I always needed growing up, and that safe space is something I hope to provide for any buyers and sellers who need it. I have had the opportunity to chat with so many incredible people here on ATW, and although there are certainly some folks who are not as judgment free as they say, or those who may not quite understand the etiquette of the site, I’m grateful to have connected with those I have. When you share your struggles, you often discover that you aren’t alone.

The ability to be vulnerable can unite you with others in a way you may not have thought possible. Being comfortable enough to let your guard down, even if it’s to a stranger you will likely never meet, opens doors to deeper relationships and friendships. Whether you make lifelong friends from this site, or these experiences allow you to create stronger relationships with people you meet offline, I think it’s crucial to feel like you are being heard and to have a place you can relate to. This site certainly provides that in some form or another. While many of us may feel ashamed or a little embarrassed to be on the site, it ultimately creates a safe space where you can express your true self without fear of judgment.

Harnessing Your Inner Power

Embracing my sexuality and individuality has not just been about self-acceptance; it’s about becoming my own warrior, in a sense. For so long, I felt like I did not have the people in my corner that I desperately needed. Over time, I was able to find out who I could be my most authentic self without feeling pressure to pretend I didn’t have weird thoughts, or without feeling like I had to act a certain way to fit in. Having the ability to grow into myself as a sexual being and as a strong woman has given me the confidence to strut into a room with my head held high, knowing I’m enough just as I am. I hope that, even if you hide away all the kinks and the bits of yourself you find embarrassing from the public eye, you feel a certain sense of comfort knowing that you are who you are.

Challenge yourself to step outside of your comfort zone. Try new things and take risks. This doesn’t mean you have to rush into anything. Start small. Engage in conversations, share your opinions. Evening joining sites like ATW is a huge step to take, and it’s certainly helped me develop on not just a sexual level but an intellectual level. Not everything on this site is for me, and that’s okay! Some things might make me uncomfortable, and it may be difficult to verbalize, but where one seller does not mesh with one buyer, there is someone else around the corner who can connect with you in the way you are looking for. That’s the beauty of this site! You only have to ask. Each tiny step builds your confidence, reinforcing the armor of self-security that you’re cultivating.

Celebrate Your Journey

The journey of overcoming shyness and insecurity while embracing sexuality is ongoing. Each day presents an opportunity to learn, grow, and celebrate who you are. As I’ve mentioned, each day I wake up and actively make the choice to love myself for what and who I am. Remember, it’s perfectly okay to be a work in progress. You will have bad days. You will feel unwanted or ugly. These are temporary moments–and these moments are when it’s most important to turn to those who will hear you.

As a strong young woman, recognizing the duality within myself is a powerful thing, and it can be for you as well. Don’t let insecurity dim your light. Instead, allow it to fuel your desire to explore and embrace your true self. Celebrate your journey and be proud to stand tall, knowing that you have the power to shape your own narrative. Let your freak flag fly!

- Violet -