As I’ve said before in one of my previous blogs: there’s no one article on how to be an online Dominatrix. There’s no easy explanation. A lot of becoming a good Mistress comes from practice, skill, and learning. It’s easy to forget, or not even realize, that BDSM isn’t just about what feels good. There’s a bit of research and learning that needs to go into it. BDSM is an intimidating phrase that’s associated with so many kinks, roles, positions, toys, whips, chains, phrases, etc. that are out there, and it almost feels impossible to dip your toe into the water that is Domination. But I'm going to give you my best interpretation of what I believe are the basics to becoming a Domme.
It’s easy to think of a Dominatrix as a beautiful woman that will put her foot on your face and make you smell it, or a strong individual who will bend you over and spank you while you beg for release, but that’s only a part of it. A Domme (Dom or Dominant, for my dominant men out there) is supposed to be more than someone who makes you feel good. Often, a submissive will rely on their Dominant to take care of them and tend to their emotional, physical, and daily needs. No, you don’t have to be their parent, but more often than not most submissives or slaves crave structure to their lives that only a Dominant can supply.
A Dominant needs to know that when they take on a slave, in many contracts (which I’ll discuss later on), the slave is not only handing over their body for them to play with, but they are also handing over their mind and spirit. They want to serve you, they want to make you happy. That’s not something you can play around with like a toy. It’s a serious commitment taking on a full-time slave or submissive. They look up to you for guidance.
Abusing or neglecting a submissive or slave’s needs and wants can lead to an emotionally damaging experience for your partner. I cannot begin to tell the horror stories I’ve not only experienced but have heard about online “Dominants” who really never put the work in. It ends up leaving people hurt and confused and turns them away from wanting to experience more or being able to open up in the future. It’s like being cheated on. It hurts.
As a Dominant, you need to be strong. You need to be decisive. You need to be compassionate and caring. Without these qualities in mind, you’ll find it quite hard to become a good Dominant. It is an attitude you have to learn to cultivate and a mindset you need to learn to grow.
“Each sub I've had is different and it's not the kind of thing I can think how to explain other than to study psychology and form that kind of relationship.”
@Mae Von Lector
BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and submission, and Sadism and Masochism. BDSM is a practice that you learn over time with experienced Masters/Mistresses/ Doms/Dommes. It can be anything from just a kink in the bedroom to your own sexual identity (who you want to be full-time sexually). A kink is a sexual act that is, or would be seen, abnormal to the public (a fetish).
Here are some basic vocabulary words that may seem, simple and straightforward, but are good to know:
Slave: A person who consensually gives up total control of one or more aspects of their life to another person (their Master/Mistress). One who basically tries to be limitless in their effort to please their Dominant.
Submissive: (Sub) A person that gives up control either all the time or for a specified period. This means they have certain limits and more of a choice to say "No" when the moment arises than a slave would. This is known as the “Submissive’s Veto”.
SSC: Safe Sane and Consensual. Safe; this means that you play safe within the fetishes and boundaries that you and your Dominant set. Sane; as in within the limits of life (For example, don’t kill someone). Consensual, meaning you allow the other person to touch you and it is within the legal age limits; for North America, this is 18 years of age. No children-- not even if that person is a day away from their 18th birthday. People who abuse this creed give BDSM a bad name.
RACK: Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. Risk-aware: Both or all partners are well-informed of the risks involved in the proposed activity. Consensual Kink: In light of those risks, both or all partners have, of sound mind, offered preliminary consent to engage in said activity or kink.
Training: Either referring to a short period of time (a scene), or an ongoing effort of the Dominant teaching the submissive how to act, how to train their body, or how to train their mind.
I asked an acquaintance of mine what she thought about online domination. This is what she had to say on how she perceived submissives and slaves to work online:
“I’ve been an online domme for 3 years. When I began I followed the BDSM rules to the book. I asked kinks and limits. I attempted to provide aftercare after every session. I thought the ideal goal for every submissive was to become owned.
From what I’ve discovered, there’s a distinct difference in the online femdomme community between submissives and slaves. I describe myself as a bratty humiliatrix and Findomme. A lot of my clientele comes from men who like the idea that I don’t give a flying fuck about them. That means I don’t often ask limits and I rarely provide aftercare. They don’t desire that.
These “one off” sessions are specific to only submissives. They come, get their fix and leave. This is not a bad thing. Slaves, on the other hand, are looking for a relationship. That means communication, limits and after care are fundamental.
Slaves are rare. Like I said prior, I’ve been a domme for 3 years and I can count the number of slaves I’ve had on my hands. Be aware of kink and consensual kink play. Know limits even if a submissive doesn’t think you do. Always be prepared to give aftercare. And be okay if a sub deletes their accounts right after a session. It’ll happen plenty of times.”
My Twitter: @ladyaislynn_
Essentially, what Miss Aislynn is saying is that; submissives online tend to have one or two sessions with a Dominant, whereas slaves tend to stick around for the long term. A submissive can stick around for the long term but have less discipline than a slave, and their presence may be fleeting at best. Slaves require a day-to-day schedule and day-to-day attention.
So you’ve already found someone who would love to serve and worship at your feet. Great! But how do you proceed from there? What does a Dominant do for their online submissive? There’s a lot of questions about what you can do to fill the time and fulfill your slave’s needs and wants.
A good place to start is asking about your slave’s kinks. There are categories to kinks, “Yes/Favorite, Maybe, and No.” Their no’s are what we call a hard limit. It means under no circumstances should you do it, push it as a limit or, (and this is important) USE IT AS A PUNISHMENT. That is a violation of their rights as human beings. Hard limits mean NO, full stop. Using a hard limit can result in emotional and physical damage that can be life-long.
If both of you are new to the BDSM scene, or if your slave is unsure of their kinks and limits, then going and researching what you both like would be a great way to learn. If you need a little more guidance than that, I created a questionnaire with plenty of kinks and a comprehensive layout. It’ll email your results to you and you can share that with your submissive, and your submissive can share it with you!
A safeword is a word you can use when you feel uncomfortable in a scene (a sexual session between you and your Dominant). Why do you need a safeword? Well, no doesn’t always mean no in a session. For example, if you ask your submissive to send you a photo and they say something like, “Mistress I’m not comfortable doing that”, but it wasn’t in their hard kinks, you, as a Dominant, could still demand they send the photo because it is your duty to push your slave’s limits and make them reach new levels of self-comfort that they’ve never had before. However, if they are truly uncomfortable and truly do not want to do what you are asking and they feel it is outside the realm of your contract (which I will be getting to), then they can use their safeword.
@ClaireWornItems had this to say on the topic:
"For me I like the green, yellow, red approach to safewords. The rundown of it is usually your Dom will check in with you periodically. Mine will check in and say, 'Color?' Or, 'How's my girl doing?' and I'll say green, yellow, or red depending on the situation. Green means ‘Good, I'm loving this, I'm doing well, I can keep going'. Yellow is, 'Pull back a bit, I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable and need a second.' Red is, 'Stop the scene immediately, we gotta have a chat or some soothing or aftercare.'"
The next step to take after learning about your kinks, getting a deeper understanding of them, and setting up a safeword, is making a contract. Not every D/s (Dom/sub) relationship has to have a contract. However, if you are new, then setting up a contract will be really helpful for keeping not only the expectations you have of your submissive in order but your submissive’s expectations of you, too. Even if it’s just for a few hours or a few days, writing a contract is VERY helpful.
The good news: You don’t have to write a contract from scratch. The contract is not legally binding. You can easily look up contracts online by simply googling “BDSM Contract”. If your slave is a slave, then look up “BDSM Slave Contract”. If they are a submissive, then change slave to submissive!
The bad news: This can be boring to do. You’re going to have to read through a contract. You’ll have to edit it to fit your specific specifications. I’ve included a link at the end of the article to a free contract that you can use to get a general idea of what you need to do.
Here are some things I like to include:
So you both have signed the contract. Now, what do you do? Well, it’s time for you to start your adventure into the crazy world of BDSM. As a Mistress, you can give your slave tasks to do. If you aren’t sure what sort of tasks you can give them… well, Google is a wonderful place.
If your slave has a foot fetish, then you can tell them to worship your feet. Send them a photo and have them worship it for a set amount of time. Don’t want kinky? Have your slave research suitable punishments for themselves when they misbehave. Work on your contract, dive into what you both enjoy.
Keep in mind that there are other rules to BDSM as well. For example, how someone wants you to speak to them. Some slaves like to have the right to say “I” and “me” taken away from them, only referring to themselves as “slave” or “pet”. Online this can transfer to them showing you respect by capitalizing You, Her, She, and Miss, when they address you and lower-casing their own respective phrases.
“Mistress may slave please rub Your feet?” or,
“May slave rub Mistress' feet, please?”
Also, make sure you set terms on who you are both going to see. You need to make it clear that you are going to possibly service other slaves, and if you are comfortable and your submissive so desires it, they can see other Domme’s too.
Make sure your slave has good manners. Do not let any slave come to you and call you Mistress. Make them earn that term. Miss, Ma’am, Sir, Mr. are all acceptable phrases to call a Dominant that is not -your- specific Dominant. Quite often it’s seen as rude and disrespectful to go up to anyone and call them “Mistress” or “Master” or “Daddy” etc.
Online domination is very similar to that in the real world. However little nuances, such as the spelling of a word, make all the difference when you have to apply Domination and submission to the internet. It’s hard to get creative, but once you find yourself in the flow of things, you’ll find it gets easier and easier with time and practice. Be safe, be sane, be consensual, and enjoy learning more about yourself and your partner!
Website For the Contract: https://shahrazadstory.wordpress.com/2017/02/03/a-mistressslave-contract/
Website For The Quiz: https://forms.gle/7Q4fxocJjHs1C83a9
Payment Details, or if you'd like to tip:
💋Paypal: Ask me.
💋Amazon Gift Card
💋Amazon Wish List: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/X4M9D3THIT2?ref_=wl_share
Levels of scent:
Undies: Regular or Heavy
Feet: Sweaty, or Clear a room
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