BDSM Contracts: How They Build Safety, Consent, and Trust

Seller BDSM Tips For Sellers

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Fifty Shades Of Grey first introduced many people into the realm of BDSM, and one of the most memorable scenes (at least for this author), was the contract negotiation scene. A long empty table with the Dominant at one end, the submissive another, discussing their boundaries and coming to a formal agreement that both parties are happy with. Dreamy.

This practice, however, is not as common in your typical "real-world" BDSM relationship as I have discovered myself. I am a happily married bi-sexual submissive woman, in an ethically non-monogamous relationship with my husband, and a regular Dominant I play with. In order to help protect our relationship and practice clear communication at all times, our BDSM contract was made. This contract is handed to any potential Dominant I wish to play with long-term, and is discussed and negotiated with a multitude of updates. It is one that I created from scratch after hours of research, and always piques the interest of the Dominants that have laid eyes on it. In this article I will guide Dominants and submissives alike through the key sections of the contract, providing a framework, and tips to construct your own contract for future use.

Section 1 - Introduction

This section is used to formally outline the terms used to describe various parties in the contract. Defining who is referred to as "the submissive" and "the Dominant" throughout the contract, as well as outlining the relationship as a non-romantic one between Dominant and submissive. Most importantly, it states that it is not a legally binding document and is purely used to form the basis of a semi-formal agreement of the type of play permitted and boundaries.

Section 2 - Roles and Responsibilities

We get it, the Dominant is the Dominant, and the submissive is the submissive. That's it, right? Not quite.

It is important that both parties understand they are responsible for each other's wellbeing and safety before, during, and after play. This even extends to ensuring that toilet breaks and refreshments are not withheld from the submissive at any point. Additionally if there are any further responsibilities you wish either party to have (perhaps daily or weekly tasks are completed promptly), then this is the section to outline them in.

Section 3 - Photographs and Videos

This section is a bit more niche, however can still be tailored to your needs. I use it to control what content is captured, how it is captured, and where it ends up. Having open communication with my husband for us includes photos and videos being captured during play and sent/shown to him in a timely manner. It also covers sharing permissions for photos and videos, and how to protect the anonymity of those in the photo.

Section 4 - Permitted Activities

Here comes the fun part! This section lists all the activities that both parties agree to participate in. It covers absolutely everything basic from specific foreplay acts, to types of intercourse, kink play (such as restraining and impact play), and potential scene ideas. It is important to note, that this section will often evolve as both parties find new kinks and desires, or perhaps realise that the idea of something is better than the reality of it.

Section 5 - Boundaries

On the other end of the spectrum, we need to define what boundaries we have, because we do all have them. Whether they involve watersports, breath play, or types of impact play, they need to be listed here. Much like Section 4, these are subject to a lot of evolution as you gain experience and try new things. What is a boundary for a Dominant, may not be a boundary for the submissive, however this must still be respected and noted here.

Section 6 - Safewords

If you are interested in BDSM play and have not considered your safewords yet, or don't believe you will need them, it may be worth taking a step back and reevaluating if you are in the right headspace for this type of play. A universal system is the "traffic light" system, where saying the colours "red, amber, green" refers to whether play stops immediately, or slows down. Some people use food items for their system, however this must be discussed before play begins and all parties must know these words.

Additionally, this section contains a system for informing the Dominant if play needs to stop immediately or slow down even if the submissive is unable to speak/see/move much using a set number of taps on either the Dominant, or an object nearby.

Section 7 - Sexual and Physical Health

No one likes getting ill after going to a festival or gig, so why should play be any different? This section ensures that all parties are regularly tested for STDs, and if either party is ill or injured, that play does not happen until they have recovered. A simple section, but one that ensures all members are able to perform their best!

Section 8 - Agreement

You've filled in all the sections, you've had a discussion with the other party, and now it's time to formally agree to everything listed! This section highlights once again that the contract is subject to change should any party request it, and also states that questions may be raised at any time relating to the contract to ensure that communication is clear, and any lack of clarity is resolved. It also requests a specific phrase to be sent upon agreement, ensuring that all parties have read the contract and understand the terms outlined within it.

I hope this guide has been useful and provides an insight into what goes into a real-world Dominant and submissive relationship, whilst also showing that it is not as simple as asking someone to dominate you or be your submissive! There are constant negotiations in place to ensure the safety and enjoyment of all parties, and having a formal document can provide a vital reference point for all members to know clearly what is and is not on the table.

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