Hi everyone, I’m Sunni and I’ve been reading lots of blog posts lately. I really wanted to make a blog of my own so here it is.
I think this title has many interpretations. It can mean I’m not comfortable with my body, or my sexuality, or my kinks and fetishes. This title covers them all, and in this post, I’d like to go over them.
From a young age, I’ve been told by my friends and family that I wasn’t skinny enough. No matter how much I tried, I was too big for my dad. And then, when I finally dropped to 124 pounds, I was too skinny and my boobs weren’t big enough according to my mom. I never felt comfortable being any weight because of all the negative comments. “Chubby”, “anorexic”,“big”, “twig”, the list goes on.
I’ve never fully coped with any of these comments. I now weigh 160 pounds and I still feel too big for my own body preference.
**I would just like to say before continuing on, I am the first to say how beautiful someone is no matter their size. I think everyone should feel comfortable in their own skin! (Such a hypocrite, I know)**
A lot of my self-esteem issues stem from this one issue. I never felt good enough for any of my family or friends because I was always the bigger frame and they always had to point it out. I dreamed of being a skinny legend and then when I was, I was too skinny.
It’s hard to believe any compliments you get. I get told on a daily basis by my boyfriend and lovely buyers that I’m hot, sexy, and beautiful. I never believe them though, I don’t believe anyone who says that to me. And it’s hard.
Since I was young, I’ve known I wasn’t straight. My first crush on a girl was Jasmine from Disney’s Aladdin. Throughout my life, I’ve noticed I’m attracted to not just the body, but the soul, and as I grew up, I noticed that there was a lot more to my sexuality than just that.
When I was 16, I discovered I was genderfluid. I didn’t even know what the term meant until tons of research. Some days, I don’t feel right being in a woman’s body, but some days, it feels amazing. It’s a struggle that I have to deal with, especially as a “female” sex worker.
On top of being uncomfortable myself, the minute I told my family I got tons of negative vibes. Sure, they say they’re okay with it, but we all can read an uncomfortable vibe. Not having this approval breaks me, and knowing I have to pretend to be someone else hurts. Hence why I don’t bring it up, hardly ever.
It’s hard when you feel like you have to put “female” as your gender on your profile when you know the real answer is “other”. Sure, it’s not a huge deal on the surface but it makes me feel very repressed. I shouldn’t feel like I have to lie just to get sales.
This whole world of fetishes and kinks is still very new to me, but that’s for another blog post haha!
I’m a very open-minded person… when it comes to others. When it comes to myself, I critique every little thing there is to critique. One of those being my kinks and fetishes.
From a young age, I knew that I liked pregnancy. I used to play house and pretend to be pregnant, I read picture books with pregnant characters, I even watched YouTube videos about pregnancy. I have always been embarrassed to admit that to anyone.
I never realised it was a fetish until I was about 16. I could never understand why I got flustered by the sight of a pregnant person.
To this day, it’s very hard to deal with. I get so embarrassed talking about it with anyone, even my partner. I feel ashamed even when I know logically, there is no reason to.
I’m surrounded by fetishes and kinks every day and I never judge them, but when it comes to mine, I judge hard. I’m not too much of an open person so when it comes to my likes and dislikes, I criticize myself a lot.
There are a lot of things that factor into my comfort level with myself, and not having everyone’s approval is hard. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be comfortable with myself. I know for a FACT that I am beautiful, I am lovely, I am sexy (even if I don’t always feel it).
You have to be confident within your own skin. If you don’t believe the compliments people give, then why should they believe them either? If you don’t think you’re beautiful, then why should they?
As anyone, not just a sex worker, it’s important to be comfortable with yourself so you can be your best self. People want someone genuine, someone, who is themselves and not just a show.
It’s important to know your worth because you are so much more than an image or a fetish. You are the only you out there, so love yourself for who you are!
Thank you for letting me share all of this with you! I absolutely love the ATW community and that’s the sole reason I decided to share.
I hope y’all have a lovely day, and remember, love yourself because if you don’t, then why would anyone else?
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