Reclaiming My Power: A Survivor's Story

Seller Motivational Sellers’ Perspective Reclaiming My Power: A Survivor's Story

*TRIGGER WARNING: This article contains topics of SA and other depictions that may be disturbing to readers*

This is going to be a little long...so strap in!

*Breathe*

Let me start by saying that I am not writing this for pity or to get any sort of rise from anyone. It’s weird, but I still feel like I need to address that disclaimer with this kind of vulnerability. Please also keep in mind that manipulation has unfathomable power. I’ve realized since, that I don’t need to justify why I stayed so long - but I still feel the need to remind people of that fact. Honestly, my only hope for this is that it reaches the people that need it the most. Whoever you are, if you need this - this is for you.

THE WORST SIX YEARS OF MY LIFE

Looking at me today, you’d never know that I was fighting for my life just a few years ago. You’d never think that the old “me” would turn into the woman I am now. Both iterations are two completely different people and I take tremendous pride in that drastic transformation.

They say your first love would always be memorable. Mine was, but not in the way it’s supposed to be. My “first love” turned me into someone I didn’t recognize. “A shell of a person” would be an understatement - I was entirely stripped of my identity and snuffed out of everything that made me special.

Six years of broken objects and punched out walls will do that to a person. Six years of slaving away at the three jobs I was juggling to keep us afloat (on top of maintaining a scholarship), will have that effect. I eventually lost my scholarship the way I lost my friends. And even then, all he gave me was a new excuse as to why he couldn’t lift a finger to help.

It was because of him that my introduction to the kink world wasn’t the best. I still remember the nights when he would “show me a new kink.” I was never ready or comfortable. I would cry, begging him to stop, but he would just gently hush me and through my sobbing, tell me “it’s okay” - then continue. For six years.

The word “rape” didn’t even occur to me as something someone who “loves” you could do. But when I realized that the word “sex” and “kinky” were defiling thoughts that made me flinch, I started to notice the poison. The last straw was when I looked in the mirror one day and noticed that all the bruises couldn’t be hidden by makeup anymore.

You could only imagine the havoc those six years wrecked on my body, much less my mental health. I went into that relationship wide-eyed and hopeful. I left it unbearably numb and yearning for the fleeting memories of who I once was. It was leaving that made me realize that it was lonelier being with him than it was being alone. Mind you, a relationship doesn’t ever need to be this bad to come to that realization.

THE AFTERMATH

Leaving was my rebirth - and birth, in any capacity, is never easy. The beginning stages of my healing process were littered with panic attacks and stress seizures. As if handling that alone wasn’t enough, rediscovering sex was a completely different beast on its own. I stumbled through first dates and struggled to connect with others. I used men for validation, desperate to feel something, anything. I was terrified of sex. But even if I had to bite back the trauma, I would have sex with people in exchange for their company. I realize it was reckless and wrong, and I still feel guilty about doing it.

>Despite the rough start, healing came in the form of trust. I managed to build strong relationships with a select few - enough so to entrust my body to them and feel good about it. I opened myself to the idea that sex was a respectful act of pleasure, and with that revelation, my real kinks developed naturally. I’ve learned that my kinks came from a place in which my traumatic memories were tangentially replaced by sensual moments of complete trust and consent. The same act, two different people. I find it liberating that my trauma morphed into something that turns me on.

There are still quirks I have that are remnants of the old me. But it’s been two years since my last panic attack. I continue to heal and discover new kinks, but I can comfortably say that those traumatic memories no longer haunt me to the extent that they used to. I’ve gotten into relationships since then, and hold them to a standard befitting of what I deserve. I find myself having a thin line of patience for people who mildly exude the kind of warning signs that he did. I may have learned the hard way, but I have learned to have a low tolerance for red flags and I honestly couldn’t be prouder of the progress.

ATW AND RECLAIMING MY POWER

The interactions in this community are vastly different from the interactions with people outside of it. The general respect around taboo ideas has provided me with a welcoming and comforting escape. I heard about ATW in a YouTube video and the idea piqued my interest. I’m fairly new to the platform but so far, this beautiful place has provided me with a safe space to explore kinks I have never been exposed to. The openness to talk about kinks in the same breath as catching up with someone has been entirely unique to this platform. It’s these kinds of talks and the genuine connections I’ve made with both sellers and buyers that have me expanding my self-exploration.

There have been a small handful of people that I have come to build truly, genuine connections with on here. Our conversations - effortless and regular, flirtatious yet deep. They know who they are, but what they don’t know is how much each of these connections has impacted and empowered me. Getting to know people for who they are in their everyday lives, delving into their deepest desires, and knowing that I could fulfil their fantasies, is a uniquely rewarding feeling.

In fulfilling orders for my wonderful clients, I’ve uncovered more things about me that I would have never thought I'd be into. It’s because of this community, that I’ve discovered that my kinks don’t only have to be tied to my past experiences. That my fetishes, sexual deviances - my sensuality, surpass my trauma.

Being on ATW has granted me an unexplainable kind of feminine power. It’s allowed me to reformat the way I think about kinks and how I indulge myself in them. Most of all, it’s reintroduced me to the kink world, once again, but this time in the best way possible.

DEAR READER, THIS IS FOR YOU

I heal by talking through my trauma. Speaking about it allows me to not only accept it for what it truly was but also be the voice that my past self didn’t have. It’s both enlightening and liberating, and I’m glad to have been able to use this platform for just that.

There’s a difference between being open and being vulnerable. It’s easier to be open than it is to be vulnerable. But I believe that vulnerability allows you some much-needed honesty that you may have been starving yourself of.

We each have our own journeys - demons we have to confront, mirrors we need to look into. And although it’s important to understand this when interacting with other people, I find it even more vital to understand this when interacting with our own selves. You are your own best friend, so treat yourself as such. If your best friend - the person you care most about in the world - was going through the same things that you were going through, what would you tell them?

All this to say, be kind to yourself and what you’ve been through. Tolerate nothing less than what you give.

You are a force to be reckoned with. Don't ever forget that.

And if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m always here.

xoxo

Venus