How Selling Used Clothing Helped My Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse

Seller Sellers’ Perspective

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First, I'd like to preface this blog post by saying I am not on this website with purely financial intentions, and although I do reference how the financial aspect has helped me, I do genuinely love making connections with Buyers and Sellers. I do NOT see Buyers as an ATM machine, but rather humans who see my value and worth and part of showing that is by purchasing what I offer.

Okay now that I've made that clear.. let’s get into it!

What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

I should start off by explaining Narcissistic Abuse and part of my back story.

When I was 20, I met Prince Charming and fell in love, for 6 very long years. He was older, and my first real boyfriend. He was funny, charismatic, made me feel beautiful, listened to my childhood traumas and my family loved him. He seemed perfect, and we looked like the perfect couple, two best friends who loved each other, and we seemed that way because I only let people see what I wanted them to see.

I let them see him as the life of the party kind of guy, even though on the car ride there I was yelled at or once we got home I would get the silent treatment and left questioning what I did "wrong".

I made excuses for him and his anger. I thought he just didn't know how to express himself clearly and that if I helped him work on his communication skills and tell him how I wanted to be treated, he would "change". Oh how naive. I’m a fixer, an empath, someone who wants to see the best in everyone, all good qualities IF you still respect yourself and your boundaries first.

The truth is, I didn't do anything "wrong" but after years of manipulation and gaslighting, I was conditioned to put his needs before my own, and I was consumed with changing my behaviour in order to suit his needs or to prevent any kind of anger he might have towards me. Make sure the house was clean, don’t go out to the party, understand why he was “too tired” to take me on that date he promised.

By definition, Narcissistic abuse is "a type of emotional abuse where the abuser only cares about themselves and may use words and actions to manipulate their partner's behavior and emotional state".

Throughout this relationship, I had never heard of terms like this and I thought our relationship was just how relationships were, as a product of divorce I didn't have much to look up to. I also thought no one would ever intentionally hurt me, let alone someone who claimed how much they loved me, so maybe if I just tried a little harder the blowups would subside. I mean he had to grow up eventually right?! He had so much “potential”!

Another Golden Rule, is NEVER fall in love or stick around for someone's “potential”, 99% of the time, it is just your brain making up a fantasy of what it wants to see or only loving the good parts, but people aren’t made up of just good parts, the bad is part of them too.

Before our relationship, I was strong, independent, easy-going and for the most part, I loved my life. After our relationship, I've had to do tons of work on myself and attend tons of therapy as I was anxious, depressed, and a shell of who I used to be. I didn't realize how far away from my authentic self I had become, how alienated from my friends I was, and how the life I was living was so small, but that is all coming from the awareness I have now.

I have finally made peace with the version of myself who stayed for so long in a relationship where I accepted far less than I deserved and I have forgiven myself for not being strong enough to leave. You only know what you know now, you can’t be hard on yourself, and the best gift I gave myself was self-compassion and forgiveness.

The Cycle of Abuse

But getting to this low point in my life didn't happen all at once. This was the culmination of years of mental warfare, being degraded and devalued.

A narcissist will first shower you in love, it's called the "Love Bombing" stage for a reason. You feel special, and adored, they make big gestures and you feel like the luckiest person in the world. Then over time, you start having fights, as all couples do, but these aren't fair fights. He might blow up, yell, scare you, use all those parts of your past you confided in him against you.

Then you are left sad, confused, desperate for that fun-loving version of him to come back and give you all that attention and adoration. Eventually, they will come back around, you won't even care what you were fighting about or solving the problem because you're just so happy to feel his love again. He will give you an apology and promise it will never happen again, and that girl who is so desperate for his love will believe him.

Then the love-bombing phase is back and you are so happy to be "us" again, and things are good, but they are only good until they're not again. This is how the addiction and cycle of abuse starts.

You are high off their love, then you will eventually be shattered again and left craving the love and good feeling only they can give you. If any of this has resonated with you, please know you are not alone, and please know that NO ONE should ever make you question your worth or value. This is not normal and this is not how a healthy relationship with any human whether romantic, platonic or family operates.

Depleted Self Worth

My biggest repercussion of Narcissistic Abuse is low self-worth. I struggled with self-worth before him, but never to this degree or where it was recognizable to me that it was a problem.

I remember my therapist asking me, "you know that you are inherently worthy of love right? Like you don't need to prove yourself or do something in order to be loved?" I looked at her with a blank stare and said, "no", that was not a concept I understood or believed.

I became such a people pleaser, and so worried about how my actions would affect someone else, that I was no longer living for me and I didn't love myself, I was too busy trying to love and fix him that I had now time or care to think of how I was doing.

Of course maybe I never truly did love myself, and I definitely should have got into therapy long before getting into a serious long term relationship. As my Queen Ru Paul says, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?!" Amen.

Throughout this relationship and even for the first couple of months of separation, I never wanted to talk about it, and never wanted to share the secret behind the perfect Instagram couple, the truth of what really happened. I had been trained not to confide in my friends, and I became so wrapped up in protecting him and his image and our status as a couple, that most of his behaviour was excused, ignored, or worse, justified.

Imagine, being yelled at so much you are pushed into a panic attack one minute, and an hour later you’re laughing together and pretending it never happened, he's apologized and you're just happy he's smiling again. But I digress. I could go on and on about everything I've been through, and now that I am aware of my abuse I feel the importance of spreading awareness and being an advocate because I never thought it could happen to me.

I never want someone to feel as isolated as I was. If you need someone to talk to or you are questioning your experience and think it might be happening to you, please reach out to me. I was never physically abused, but please get out and seek proper help and protection if you are.

All Things Worn and My Road to Recovery

Ok now on to All Things Worn, and how it has helped me on my journey of reclaiming my life. I, like I'm sure many sellers, was intrigued by the TikTok videos of girls selling their panties, how it was an "easy" way to make money, something I can now laugh at from the experience of how hard it truly is.

One day, after getting a massive phone bill, I thought, screw it, I'm going to try it out. It felt rebellious, and like my secret, I was doing something for myself. I put up some listings and right away got messaged by those "sugar daddies", another laughable memory now that I understand how ATW works and why their profiles said "Banned".

I wasn't getting any clothing sales, so I turned to other avenues of trying to get a sale, primarily in the art of sexting. Post-break-up, I was craving intimacy and loving the attention I would get when I would match with someone on a dating app and then we would end up just sexting and never meet.

So I thought to myself, why am I sexting these random guys I don't know, for free, and letting them see me when really they don't deserve to. I'm doing sexy poses and taking videos and although I enjoyed it at first, it began to feel like work, and if I'm working, then a girl wants to be paid.

It also began to feel degrading, like it was expected and that was all I was worth talking to for. You might be thinking, then if sexting them was feeling degrading, why list it on ATW?! WELL! For me, it's entirely different and it's actually more intimate. A person is seeking me out and confiding in me their desires. They are actually so interested in me and trust that I will give them a genuine experience that they are willing to pay for it. They want me and they make me feel so sexy and wanted, appreciated even. It may also be a way for me to express my people-pleasing in a healthy way ;)

Then I finally got my first panty sale. The thrill! I was so excited, finally what I originally joined for was happening. Then it happened again, and again, and my confidence grew and my need for male validation in my personal life was fading.

See, I was no longer anxious or preoccupied with what males in my personal life thought of me because I knew that I'm a part of a community that sees my value and recognizes what I have to offer, and for the first time in a long time, I recognized that in myself.

Does it sound like I've traded in one form of validation for another? Maybe. Maybe I sound contradictory, but truly I feel so confident in myself and reconnected with who I truly am, and this community has been part of that journey.

I'm doing something for me, I'm excited for other sellers rather than comparing myself, and most importantly, I'm having fun! I make relationships with Buyers and Sellers where I feel respected and admired, and I hope I make others feel that way too.

I am on a long road of recovery, and I'm not sure how long I will be a part of this community, but what I do know is that Buyers and Sellers alike have helped me regain my self-worth and love for myself. Everyone deserves love and everyone deserves safety. If anyone makes you feel otherwise, please, PLEASE trust and recognize those red flags. Educate yourself, learn about yourself and love yourself.

And if you EVER catch yourself saying, "when it's good, it's good, but when it's bad..." get the heck outta there! You deserve so much more than that.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. My inbox is always open.

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