What Is It Like to be an ATW Seller With An Eating Disorder?

Seller

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Heeeey, I’m Kelly, and I’ve been a premium seller on ATW for a little over 6 months now. This is a fairly new endeavor. I’d never done anything remotely like this in my life and I wanted to give it a shot. A real shot, being the overachiever I am. And honestly, had I found out about ATW earlier, I would’ve jumped onboard right away. I’m just not sure it would’ve been good for me.

From an outsider perspective, it must seem easy. Sellers on ATW must be suuuuper confident, right? ATW requires bold, vulnerable, body-centric work, whether it’s IC or physical items.

And let’s be real. It IS work if you want to earn actual $ on here.

It takes time. Connection.

Living with an ED/body dysmorphia/body image struggles while existing (and trying to ‘compete’ with all these other amazingly sexy sellers) on a platform that's centered around your body is fucking hard. I’m hard on myself. The seller experience has been both totallyyy empowering and incredibly difficult in ways I didn’t expect.

I’ve had a difficult relationship with my own body image for most of my life. Despite being an outgoing, confident kid, I’d convinced myself I was ‘fat.’ I was never obese. Never hindered by my weight, but it fluctuated frequently.

When I was in 8th grade, a boy (the ‘cutest’ in town) made a comment about how my jeans fit. They were too loose on me and he said he “could see my thigh rolls through my pants.” Unbeknownst to anyone, I’d been starving myself for weeks prior.

His comment has reverberated in my head since maybe 2006. I let this silly ass, unwarranted, false comment affect my self-esteem, my perception of myself. For years. The struggle between my internal and external perception has been around for a while. Way before ATW.

In an indirect way, it has controlled my thinking toward myself.

So sad. If I could grab my younger self by the shoulders and shake her, I would.

The core of ATW is worn items, right? I’m most comfortable with doing wears, yet I don’t have an established presence on ATW or any other site. Meaning, I have to show buyers what they look like, or at least a little tease.

One of my very first buyers told me, “There’s nothing erotic about seeing a pair of panties in a drawer or laid on the bed.” He’s right. Most buyers want to see a photo of the seller, in said panties, bra, whatever, before they purchase a physical item.

Sometimes I even struggle with taking ‘proof of wear’ pictures. The simplest task (if you’re normal.) Do my ankles look fat? Are my thighs huge? Is that a roll? What if they’d like the item better if they didn’t see a picture of me?

I enjoy doing these wears so much, yet somehow feel like I can’t take a photo of myself without thinking I don’t deserve to be looked at with lust or love or affection. I’m so hyper-aware of my body and how I perceive it. I worry how others will perceive it. Always overthinking, on so many levels.

When talking to buyers, especially my regulars (ily guys!), I feel complimented and validated. I just can’t help doubting myself. I receive lots of lovely attention here, but I’m still so hypercritical of myself. I talk myself out of believing this validation/attention is genuine. I really want to satisfy everyone.

When I get the notification that a package has been delivered to the buyer, I message them to confirm they received it. Sometimes I don’t even receive a reply. Sometimes I get confirmation, but not a review.

Instant anxiety. A million little things go through my head. At the forefront: What did I do wrong? He probably hated it. Why am I even doing this?

Not negative, but complicated Despite bringing my body image issues to the front burner and forcing me to confront them, I do find value in being an ATW seller. I’ve met some really cool people - some who are all about the sexual/kink aspect, and others who genuinely just want to chill and meet new (sexy/kinky) people, for whatever reason. Such great conversations, even if totally platonic.

There’s always going to be that push-pull dynamic between confidence and discomfort. Control vs. vulnerability.

I’ve learned that I should value myself more, and not be so concerned with my appearance, which clearly does not outwardly match what I’m seeing in the mirror. The way I view myself isn’t truly rooted in my appearance, though, it’s how others treat me that gives me the view.

Growth in one’s self image/confidence isn’t ‘one size fits all’. I’m so glad I have so much support from buyers & sellers alike, to help me realize that we can hold two truths at once.

Life is short, but sweet for certain.

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