What It's Like To Be An Online Domme

Seller Dom/sub

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Since not every submissive is the same, it's hard to understand why when we think of a Dominant, it’s often of a powerful and controlling and even aggressive archetype. This simply isn’t the case. These two words, Dominant and submissive, have lots of flavor and color to them.

Labels certainly help identify where we might belong or feel most comfortable in a dynamic or in play but they certainly leave a lot to be desired when it comes to the personal nuances of a dynamic.

I want to share from my personal experience and education how I determine what my dynamics need and how I want to play.

Contracts:

I start all “contracts” with a very thorough questionnaire. I like details and it helps me see inside the mind of my potential sub. Where they are comfortable, the styles of play they engage in, if our boundaries are compatible, where they may need education, and where I as the Dominant could guide, or support my sub.

I start all interactions off the understanding that everyone has a different level of experience, fantasy and desire. I do prefer longer contracts than one-off play sessions but I am not opposed.

The contract also helps me see the kind of schedule we will be on. What types of punishments are acceptable in this particular dynamic. I take what I know about R.A.C.K. and apply it to every contract. (I did another blog about what R.A.C.K. is and how to use it.)

This helps me determine risks and how to align tasks and punishments with both our needs and desires in mind. After we have a week of play and tasks in, I like to revise and check-in. We adjust and I set permanent expectations from there.

Of course it varies from sub to sub. My goal is to set up my submissive for success but also push them into new territory. If my goal is to watch my submissive fail solely so I can dish out punishment, I would consider that abuse. Some dynamics may be set up in this way, but that needs to be a clear understanding that this is what is being asked for or agreed upon.

“ With great power comes great responsibility. “- Power cannot simply be enjoyed for its privileges alone but necessarily makes its holders morally responsible both for what they choose to do with it and for what they fail to do with it. “

Red Flags:

Things to look out for. A potential sub saying they have no limits. This is concerning for many reasons. Either they are extremely inexperienced and need some education on the topic of risks, or they are dangerous play partners.

When it comes to online play there is a bit of risk in playing. Especially when we get to some of the deeper nuances of BDSM. While humiliation, as an example, is a great tool to play within a power exchange, it can also be abused and make someone emotionally and mentally unwell.

We should consider this when taking on a new client/ sub/ buyer. A sub saying they don’t want you to care about their well-being or how they are doing emotionally and/or mentally is a risky game you should definitely examine.

Asking your sub to play in risky ways without there being a clear understanding of risks and of what they are getting into is not safe for anyone involved, again you should question everything, this person is trusting you to guide them.

I as the Dominant, I do take responsibility for what sort of tasks we engage in and need to be sure my sub is fully aware of the impact or risks associated with these tasks/ sessions we engage in, personally from my experience, this is part of informed consent and that is how I choose to see it.

Understanding my sub's mental state and their emotional state helps me determine how far or how often we can engage in some of the “harder or more intense” styles of play. While some things can be exactly what the sub wants and is comfortable with, I also need to make sure I am not agreeing to things that take a heavy toll on myself. Constant verbal abuse is not something I am willing to engage in. I do play in sessions but I will not be bogged down by such heavy energy every time we have a simple interaction. It just isn’t my personal style.

I have to be clear about my personal boundaries and how often I can play in verbally intense situations. I do believe in light humiliation and play as a Dominant but I don’t ever describe it as something I personally enjoy. I would much rather watch you take a punishment I assign than waste my breath. I would rather watch you take a spanking or kneel painfully than have to verbally be aggressive. That’s not to say I won’t though.

Levels of Control:

It could be controlling everything about a person's life from the clothing they wear to the food they eat, to the time they wake and go to sleep. Or we have what we call cash pigs, also known as pay pigs, which is mostly a financial domination arrangement. Cash/ pay pigs like for their finances to be controlled and again there is variety here.

It could be as simple as spending large amounts of their paycheck pleasing their Dominant, up to giving the Dominant full control of their finances. Again this comes with a level of risk and should be done responsibly.

Your subordinate should still be able to afford basic living and self-care. But you certainly can get creative here. Debt contracts and wallet drains are very popular ways to engage in these dynamics. I personally, never force an amount on my subs as I find that ridiculous. Everyone’s home life is different. If you want to dedicate to me or tribute, I have a minimum amount I expect cash-wise or I take gifts.

You decide as a sub, what you can afford and are willing to give. Gifts and tributes are another way to add a level of control. However, in most of my sub contracts I may leave that up to them, depending on the arrangement I have.

As much fun and as thrilling these 2 types of control are, there are other levels of control that I, personally prefer. I like to control how we play in sessions and how often I want need attention.

Surprise tasks that I expect a sub to complete in a timely manner are another way to reinforce that I am the one in control. Demanding my subs to have a self-care routine and making sure they are doing so is a power exchange.

Good morning and good night texts daily, a daily task, amusing me…. The list goes on but these are simple examples of how to enforce the power exchange without having to be draining, overly sexualized, and time-consuming.

Again play and level of control will vary on the boundaries and agreement we have settled on. Some subs will have very degrading tasks while others benefit more from structured play and schedules.

Tasks:

I like to set up schedules, as I get busy and do not want to fall through on my end of our agreement. In a weekly schedule, there will be a few tasks set up for the sub to earn a reward. Or a punishment.

A monthly schedule is more in-depth and depending on both of our availability, sessions are as often as I feel comfortable. Subs can earn videos and physical items by completing tasks in a timely manner. If you fail to complete tasks, punishments are given.

I like to have a variety of tasks based on the agreed boundaries in the contract. It could look a little something like this: sexual, non-sexual, training, humiliation, purely for my amusement, self-care, games, videos, projects that take time to complete, demanding immediate action tasks, flirty tasks. I can get very creative and as the mood suits me I can be very demanding or laid back.

Check-ins (aftercare):

As a Dominant I check in with my subs and see how they feel about what has either just happened or about the relationship as a whole.

Do they need reassurance after a session of stern and humiliating play time?

Are they feeling neglected and uncared for in any way?

I redo contracts every month to see how things are progressing.

Do we need to stop doing this thing or that thing? More of this type of task?

Have I noticed my sub enjoys this activity more?

How can we further explore?

It is my responsibility to make sure that my subs enjoy the time they spend with me as much as I enjoy being in charge of it. I have seen a few people saying things like a submissive should never be allowed to say no, and this simply isn’t true. Why the sub is saying no plays a giant part in whether or not the no is agreeable or simply a disobedient submissive.

Again it’s important to understand where my sub's mindset is. If this is my sub's way of trying to gain my attention, whether it be negative attention or not, I need to understand where the no is coming from. Are the tasks or activities beyond their established boundaries? Is the activity or tasks risky to them in any way? Do they have trust issues or possible trauma around a certain task? All acceptable reasons to hear the no out and have a discussion. If they simply just don’t want to follow through because they don’t feel like obeying…. That’s certainly another problem entirely and needs to be dealt with.

At that point I need to reestablish the power exchange and make it clear I am in charge and will not be disobeyed out of laziness or petty outbursts, but I will comfort or care for my sub in need of affection or doting attention. As I believe that is my personal role.

Again, I want to point out here that submission is given. It's not something you demand because YOU gave yourself the title of Dominant. Not every sub wants or needs humiliation. I think we largely see things like “loser and slave and scum” as terms for a submissive but I don’t see it that way.

Quite a few of my long-term subs definitely didn’t like to be degraded all the time and I do think that the public degradation makes some submissives hide because that is an aggressive approach they are not interested in.

As a Switch who plays Domme/Brat most times, the aggressive way some people decide to approach subs is simply off-putting. If I was approached in such an aggressive manner in subspace, I think I’d question if you cared about my well-being. It most definitely would be a red flag for me.

I hope you enjoyed this and it was helpful for you.

XoXo PorcelainWitch23

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