To My Body, I'm Sorry

SideshowZO By SideshowZO 734 views

To My Body, I'm Sorry

So this will be my first-ever blog post on anything!! Exciting and nervous... I wrote this last year and I came across it and read it out to my friend. I was fine until part 3 and the tears started to flow at how much I have grown within myself since then.

So my first blog post here is a heartfelt one and will not be the only one, I plan to do a follow-up on how my journey in this community has helped me grow further in my short month here. So here we go…

Oh and I’m Zoë and it took me 30 years to love myself...

It’s amazing the benefits of feeling good about yourself are physical and mental. I don’t think it’s as widely spoken about as it should be. Since the 23rd of April, I’ve had consistently good days, not one bad one, which is amazing for me!

Not for any reason or anything happening to start this off, it just kinda happened. I’ve had a horrible year so this happening was definitely not in my sight or mind. A month ago I was ready for bashing my head against a wall with stress and a bad mentality, ready for yet another breakdown.

So yes I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been waiting for the dreaded crash, but it’s nowhere in sight! This past three weeks I feel good about myself, I don’t dread each day anymore.

Although one thing I didn’t expect to happen, for a week and a half now I’ve been eating guilt-free. I’m still not eating the amount of food I should be, but the fact I’ve been eating guilt free is shocking.

I’ve suffered from an eating disorder since I was 15, nearly 14 years. I had made peace with the fact I will probably always suffer from my eating so I try not to let my eating bother me anymore.

I’m amazed that I’ve just been eating what I want and not feeling guilty about it, not worrying if I’ve put weight on because of that meal. Before these past few weeks, I would have stood before the mirror dissecting my whole body looking for imperfections or lumpy bits showing, parts of me that I hate that other people could potentially see when I left the house. Changing between multiple outfits, often making myself late for whatever I’ve planned because I’ve just criticised myself to the point I hate what I see even more.

Now I’ve thrown clothes on, quick outfit checks in the mirror and just leaving, no hate, no judgement, just ‘I look good today ’ A phenomenal achievement if you ask me! No help from professionals, I did this MYSELF!

More Than a Number on the Scales

Without even realising I was going through the process! I don’t even care what number the scales say anymore because I feel good! It really is true when they say don’t go by the number the scales say, go by how you feel.

I always thought a lower number meant the happier I would be. Yes, I still have some hips and a little belly, but who cares?! My weight doesn’t define me, my shape doesn’t define me, my size doesn’t define me, the clothes size I wear doesn’t define me, it’s a piece of fabric that covers my naked body, simples.

I don’t dress to hide my body anymore, I wear what I feel comfortable in. This body has kept me alive, it was home to my son and delivered him to the world safely. Why has it taken me nearly 14 years and 5 years postnatal to realise my body is a temple before and after giving birth to my son? I hated my postnatal body with a passion and I look back with a lot of sadness and hurt.

This is me saying sorry to my body for all the intentional hurt I’ve caused it. The physical pain, the emotional pain, I’m sorry. I now realise that I am great, people deserve to get to know me and I don’t have to hide away in fear if someone doesn’t like me. If you don’t like me, that’s okay, not everyone’s energies are gonna match. If we drift apart, that’s also okay, we served a purpose in each other's lives and that purpose has been fulfilled.

Our energies just don’t coexist together anymore. To anyone I’ve drifted from I wish you well and to have a happy life and to succeed in anything you pursue. I'm not afraid to reach out to new people and make new friends now, I feel like I’m winning at life for the first time ever. I want everyone around me to feel like this and I want to help anyone who is willing to let me help them become happy within themselves!

No one deserves to feel how I’ve felt about myself for half my existence! I’ve missed out on so many opportunities because of this and I do not want other people to do the same! I am immensely proud of myself and my attainment.

Thank you for reading and if you need any support, if you feel any way like I have, please reach out.

Much love, Zoë - sideshowZO


By SideshowZO

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Pozeetoezee88 Lovely, a true reflection of inside and out <3

CustomWears @SideshowZO always be proud of who you are and your journey 🥰

Shyman46 Very well written and is so enlightening thank you for sharing this with everyone and if this helps one person then it did what you was wanting.

SideshowZO The version of me from last year whom wrote this is soo fucking proud of where I'm at now and I have immense love for each and everyone of you here. I know I say it often but this place gave me that further push in my journey that I never thought possible. Anyone I've interacted with since I joined back in aug has shown me more kindness and genuine love than anyone I've encountered in RL. Thank you to you all for your love and support and for accepting me here. I can't wait for my brain to allow me to write again to see the progress from then to now! Much love, Zoë 🌦

Fiery_fair_yummy_mummy This is beautiful! Thanks for sharing 💖

CannaaBabe Wow mama wow! Well written

SororityGirls Thank you for sharing this 🥺 it was so interesting to read from your perspective. Incredibly vulnerable and beautiful ❤️ sending love!

Riley420 So brave of you to write this, well done girl, sending you lots of love ❤️

Theahere Thankyou for sharing this with us 💕 a beautiful piece by a beautiful person x

XxForYourPleasurexx Beautiful inside and out.....Simple 💕💗💕 My Lovely Friend Here Who Makes Me Smile Every Time 💗

RileysBabyBrother Hugs. Babyboy feels this. I struggle with my body alot and it makes me sad.

CustomWears I've been on both sides of eating disorders. I'm at my heaviest weight but I love myself and I'm finally happy in my own skin. There will always be bad days but you will always get past them 🥰 you are beautiful

ChauffeurSubLeeOwnedByPeachy230 We haven't chatted for that long but I'm so proud of You! Xx

GentleLeyla Such a good blog post❤️ thank you for sharing❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Maddlovexox I reread this one ❤️ thanks for sharing with us xxx

Subscott So very brave to write this. 💕. Each and every one of you ladies should be proud of your bodies. You are all beautiful 😁

Laylayd Aww love I was holding back tears as I read this. It really touched me because I don’t like my body. I’ve always been self-conscious of my body 😢

JustAndy69 Beautifully written.. thanks for sharing ❤️

MrsG Reading this has me in the feels ♥️ I had an eating disorder when I was a teenager and I've now experienced being the other end of the spectrum but I've been on a body neutrality journey for some time now and it's been so life changing 😘 sending you so much love

Mochamadness This was so beautiful, thank you for sharing with us ❤

Youlikeyourgirlsbbw So beautiful girl 🥰

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